Like it was yesterday...

Just when I think I have gotten used to it.
The silence, the lack, the loss,
It all comes back on my like a wave….
No, more like a Tsunami threatening to drown me in it’s uncontrollable sorrow.
Grief.
And all the so called stages of mourning and loss come pulling at my soul again.
Denial.  
I picked up the phone to call you today…
Anger.
Daaaaaaaaaaamn, damn, damn, DAMN!!!
Bargaining.
What I wouldn’t give for one more phone call.
I would not ever hang up.
I would just listen to you breathe into the phone, happy you were on the other line.
Depression.
I wish I had saved every snarky answering machine message you left me.
I miss your voice.
I was fine yesterday you know.
I was happy and absolutely peachy keen.
And then you visited me in my dreams
And I had to wake up.
And I missed you all over again.
As if it only just happened.
As if I had just held your hand to say good bye,
I miss your hands so much.
Your beautiful, slender, perfectly manicured hands.
I miss laughing at you as you tried to ball them up into a fist,
I see you almost every day y’know.
When I look up at the moon.
Or hear a crow cry out.
When you left the crows became my friends….funny how I never thought much about them before.
But they came to me to mourn with me and I loved them for understanding my heartbreak.
So many did not mourn with me mommy.
Acceptance.
Many abandoned me, but then others lifted me up.
Unexpected, I dance because of you.
Because of them.
You see mommy, you are around me always.
In every butterfly I see.
In every breeze that blows by me.
And mostly I am ok.
Except today.
Today I am missing you and wanting you back and I feel like the motherless child that I am.
And it sucks.